DANIEL

Age: 32 | Italy

"In April 2016, I experienced a severe episode of anxiety and depression, which, in comparison to my current struggles, was nothing.

The episode was aggravated by issues with my job and relationships. As a result, my doctor prescribed me Celexa at 20mg/day.

I wish, wish, wish I could rewind time and never have set foot in the doctor's office that day, or at least have done more research into the potential side effects of these drugs.

The first day I took the medication, I didn't notice much at first, and then it grew into the most severe, terrifying anxiety attack in my chest.

It felt like it was actively burning and deleting whatever emotions were living in my heart.

I remember going to sleep that night and arely sleeping. It caused severe, debilitating anxiety and insomnia.

Finally, when I woke up in the morning, after getting only an hour or two of sleep, I felt like the world had lost all meaning.

Little did I know, this was the beginning of anhedonia. I went to work that day, and everything felt pointless.

It was as if everything was just void and had no meaning. I used to be happy, engaged, and even intellectual. I thought of myself as a humanist, but now I felt so dead inside.

I thought, 'Maybe this is just the depression.' and I kept hearing that it 'takes two weeks for the pills to kick in' and other things.

So I kept taking the medication for approximately the rest of the week. Only about five or six total days.

During that time, I had transformed into a completely different, empty, hollow, shell of a person.

Add to all that, I became absolutely asexual and castrated. It was like the neurons/synapses in my brain that control my genitals had been fried.

Being in my mid-20s, I used to have a really high libido, but after about three days of taking Celexa, I noticed genital numbness, erectile dysfunction, and a general disinterest in women.

I remember trying to masturbate and my penis simply didn’t 'work'. It felt numb and didn’t respond to touch; nevermind trying to think sexual thoughts.

My sexuality had been deleted, the entire range of human feeling and experience removed — there is no longer a point to get out of bed.

There’s no longer a point to do anything. I ended up losing my job because of the anhedonia.

I became heartless and lost all empathy. I had disturbing thoughts of harming others, which was completely opposite of my former self.

I used to be emotionally connected, often moved to tears by poetry, music, and deep thoughts.

6 years have passed and I'm still not my former self. My cognitive abilities have improved, but my emotions haven't fully returned to their former strength.

I don't feel as emotionally damaged as before but my sexual function remains severely impaired.”